I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
