i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
