Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
ok first of all what the fuck
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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