I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize