chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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