oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Mom said you looked used
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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