I wish I could teleport
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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