are you still at the devil's house?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.