i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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