: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
