There is no way he is gay with that hair.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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