90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Still dying that you shit outside
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
