Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
