My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
