She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
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he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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