Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
