life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
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LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
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You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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