Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
