Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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