apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize