also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
