It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
