there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
