mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
