yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
