someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
