Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
