It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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