She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
