The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
