You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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