Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
