Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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