She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
