i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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