This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
how drunk are you?
Several
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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