I looked at my own cervix.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
