There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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