My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
he just fucked me for my cheese..
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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