I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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