Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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