they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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