If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
