if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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