just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
