the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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