that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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