I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
