Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
