The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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