My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
