I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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