My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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