My Higher Power is John Stamos
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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