i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize