oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
