I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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