3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
